Are you a friend of Bill? or Barbara?

Last week, I was interviewed by Denise Holliday, host of Over the Rainbow on CKDU radio in Halifax, Canada. You can listen to our conversation here. Denise is a transgender parent herself and was eager to talk about her family. Toward the end of the interview (which was cut short by Democracy Now! at noon) I mentioned my latest endeavor - outreach for the No Dumb Questions film and web project. If you haven't seen it, No Dumb Questions is a documentary about three young sisters whose Uncle Bill is becoming their Aunt Barbara.

Well, it turns out Canadians know another Bill who became Barbra. Bill Amesbury had a few hit songs in the 1970s, including "Virginia (Touch Me Like You Do)", and has since transitioned to become Barbra Amesbury. Canadian crooner James Collins released the song "Do You Mind If We Talk About Bill" in 2002, in which he asks Barbra whether she can talk about her life as Bill. Denise played the song on air before our interview segment. The YouTube video is pretty amazing:


I like how this song touches on the dilemma of talking about the past (pre-transition) with transsexual people. He keeps asking 'is it alright?'. As SOFFAs, we want to do and say the right thing; sometimes, it's hard to know what that means, especially when navigating discussions of the past.

KOT Resource Guide reviewed in Bay Windows

Dana Rudolph reviews the KOT Guide along with The Transgender Child by Stephanie Brill
and Rachel Pepper in the latest issue of Bay Windows, recommending them each for family members of transgender people.

Here's what she said about the guide:

The Kids of Trans Resource Guide, by Monica Canfield-Lenfest of the COLAGE (Children of Lesbians and Gays Everywhere) Kids of Trans program (and a KOT herself), likewise starts with basic terminology and a discussion of gender. It then provides succinct advice on matters such as what to expect when a parent transitions, what to call them, how and when to come out about being a KOT, and how to deal with shifts in family structure. It also includes a section about dealing with transphobia, but follows it with an upbeat one on "Benefits of Being a KOT." An additional but helpful piece has "Transition Tips for Parents" to make the process easier for- everyone in the family. Like Brill and Pepper’s book, the Guide explores the many facets of each issue, includes quotes from those who have been through them before, and avoids one-size-fits-all answers.

Most importantly, the Guide discusses how to find support and community, and reassures its readers that they are not alone. It includes an extensive resource list of books, movies, and support groups, online and off.

The typography and grammar could use editing in a few places, but the work is by and large an enjoyable and readable resource. It should be of enormous value to those with transgender parents. Download a free copy and view other COLAGE resources for KOTs at: www.colage.org/programs/trans/.

I'm glad to get the coverage and the call for further editing is humbling. The word is getting out about this resource, which means more KOTs will find it. It's appropriate that Boston's LGBT newspaper covered the guide while I'm in the northeast.

My Mommy Is a Boy

ABC News.com published this story about transgender parents and their children this week. I was pretty pleased with the coverage, which is informative and respectful. The piece actually gives some good advice to transgender parents.

Walter Bockting, who runs the Human Sexuality program at University of Minnesota, is quoted:

"When coming out to children, it is always appropriate to do so at an age-appropriate level. When a parent begins transitioning and coming out, it is something of adolescence for them too. They might be taking hormones which not only affect their body but their mood too. It is important for a transgender parent to remember they are a parent first."

While the journalist ask me some sort of strange questions (e.g. 'is it harder for kids with transgender parents to understand how babies are made?') and prompted me to respond 'What is a normal American family, anyway?', the quotes he used were good ones, including a plug for the KOT resource guide. I'm not thrilled about the male pronouns used to describe my dad, but talking about transgender people who are just coming out and on the verge of transition is always a pronoun challenge (even for me).

I even get the last word:

Monica Canfield-Lenfest first learned her father planned to make his outward appearance match his innermost feelings and become a woman when she was 17.

Because of feelings of shame and fears of being teased, many children keep their parent's transition a secret, leading the children to feel isolated and alone, said Canfield-Lenfest, who, as a fellow at Colage, a group that counsels children of gay and transgender parents, is writing the first resource guide for children of transgender parents.

"The biggest thing is a feeling of isolation. My dad came out when I was 17, and I thought I was the only one," she said.

"People have all kinds of reactions. One friend found out his father was about to undergo a transition and his reaction was 'Oh, that's fine, can we make the 2:20 showing of X-Men 2.' Other people are angry. Many have questions right away, and others need to process the information more slowly."

"The best things a parent can do is keep their door open and answer their kids' questions," she said.

KOT in the Media: Travis Stanton

Susan Stanton made headlines in early 2007 when she lost her job as city manager of Largo, Florida after moving forward with her transition. She made further waves just last week over a profile by the Saint Petersberg Times in which she called some trans women 'men in dresses' and expressed support for the non-trans-inclusive version of ENDA. Needless to say, the transgender community is perturbed and disappointed that she would make these comments to the media.

The article also includes the words of Travis Stanton, Susan's 14-year old son, who is rolling with the punches of having such a high-profile transgender parent. Our parent's transitions impact the way in which we see the world.

"Everyone thinks my dad has hurt me and my life is ruined. But that's not how it is at all. I just think I get things more now.

"Like, I used to think gay people were kind of weird. Now I see how they feel," Travis says.

Hopefully, Travis will feel more comfortable around transgender people than his father does. It sounds like the experience has made him more open-minded. There is so much pressure on a family when a parent transitions, that it must be especially hard to deal with a parent who makes national news in the midst of so many other changes.

I still find it hard to answer questions about my relationship with my dad. While in Boston, I did an interview for a journalist with WBUR, Boston's NPR station. At one point, she asked me, "Do you have a good relationship with your dad now?" I told her we relate as adult child to parent, that the relationship is important to me, and that, we have our history, like any family. There is some really hard stuff in that history (I left that out) and most of it has nothing to do with her transgender identity. When our families get placed under a microscope, it's hard to figure out which parts to leave in the petri dish. That's why it's good to have trustworthy support, people with whom we can talk about the ugly stuff without worrying that they will pin it on our parent's trans identity. I am hoping that the email discussion list will create that space for KOTs.

At the end of the Stanton profile, the reporter included an essay by Travis. Interestingly, one of the comments on the article is from someone who knows Travis and says he didn't write it himself. In any case, here is the essay as printed:

Susan Stanton's only son, Travis, is 14. This fall, his middle school teacher asked the class to write about tolerance. With his parents' permission, and Travis' consent, here is the essay he wrote, edited for spelling and space.

Throughout my whole life, I thought my dad was a really tough guy. He went out with the cops and busted bad guys. He shot guns, fought fires. He was an aggressive driver. He liked football and lots of sports.

Then one day my thoughts changed about him when we had a family meeting and he told me how he felt about himself. He said he felt like a woman on the inside and was going to change into one. He said he tried his best to be a manly guy, but he couldn't stop his feelings to become a girl.

At first, I thought I was in a dream. I thought he was 100 percent manly man, more manly than most guys.

After a few days, I thought about it. I knew he was making the right choice to become a girl. Although I can't relate to his feelings, it must be really hard to hide something like that. It would be like having $1-million and not being able to spend it. After just so long, your feelings would take over and you would spend it. ...

I think that everyone should be who they are and not try to be the same as other people. If you ask me, this has got to be the most manliest thing he has done in his whole life. It takes a real man to come out of his shell and say, "Hey, I am who I am."

Now he is who he is meant to be. He is himself.

This seems to me like an essay written by a youth working through his father's transition. Adjusting to new pronouns takes time for family members. Is Travis being used as a 'poster child'? Hopefully, his father's recent comments will force her out of the spotlight and give the family a little privacy.